a long weekend in berlin was organised on a whim with the explicit aim of seeing very little sun and eating very little food, and... in this sense it was sort of successful. after around 28 hours of nonchalant starvation we found some tasty mexican somewhere on oranienstrasse to digest slowly and rhythmically in darkness, but...
there isn't really a but.
obviously no-one needs to be reminded that english food has a global reputation for being really, really a-bit poor. derided throughout europe, abandoned in its former colonies, and ignored everywhere else, it's starchy, bland, and profoundly unhealthy. but then this is what our malnutritioned forebearers wanted, apparently: suet pudding to keep them warm at night, huge boiled oysters to keep their weighed down on windy days, and... sausages. lots of sausages.
the germans also love sausages. the difference, however--and i'm going out on a limb here--is that they're a lot worse at them.
assured by some australian ex-pats that german food was nice "youjusthavetoknowheretolook" (there is probably a german compound word for precisely that concept), we went to a fine, traditonal establishment by the name of max und moritz in kreuzberg.
catering to tourists but also, presumably, to german wishfulthinkers, the menu celebrates meat in all its offal glory i.e. with cartoons and grammar holds fully unbarred. torn between the "real old german dish steeped in a 'long time' red wine", "cheesy cream noodle-dumpling omelette", and "salted and lightly pickled pork-foot", i went for the "special sausages from westphalia", on the fairly safe assumption that whatever was special about them would at least be worth ... well, writing about.
there isn't really a but.
obviously no-one needs to be reminded that english food has a global reputation for being really, really a-bit poor. derided throughout europe, abandoned in its former colonies, and ignored everywhere else, it's starchy, bland, and profoundly unhealthy. but then this is what our malnutritioned forebearers wanted, apparently: suet pudding to keep them warm at night, huge boiled oysters to keep their weighed down on windy days, and... sausages. lots of sausages.
the germans also love sausages. the difference, however--and i'm going out on a limb here--is that they're a lot worse at them.
assured by some australian ex-pats that german food was nice "youjusthavetoknowheretolook" (there is probably a german compound word for precisely that concept), we went to a fine, traditonal establishment by the name of max und moritz in kreuzberg.
catering to tourists but also, presumably, to german wishfulthinkers, the menu celebrates meat in all its offal glory i.e. with cartoons and grammar holds fully unbarred. torn between the "real old german dish steeped in a 'long time' red wine", "cheesy cream noodle-dumpling omelette", and "salted and lightly pickled pork-foot", i went for the "special sausages from westphalia", on the fairly safe assumption that whatever was special about them would at least be worth ... well, writing about.
it looks nice, doesn't it. look at the greens! and, yes, there is almost as much mustard as gravy--and everyone knows mustard is a squeezy gift from the gods. this was sweet and mild mustard similar to what you'd find all over a hot dog, but a little bit less orange.
and it was nice. easily the nicest meal i've ever had in germany*.
in the event, of course, the sausages were a non-event. juicy in the manner of a saveloy, haggis or fermenting corpse, they were also dry. but they did at least taste of pork--which is more than can be said of the notably less-special german bratwurst, which tastes of oily, bloody bath water. from the kind of bath a pig might be given right before it's horrifically decapitated.
the potatoes were boiled. yep, boiled potatoes. the beans were also boiled. yep, boiled beans. sort of like school dinner. but the sauce! who'd have thought it was all about the sauce. you know the urban myth about how mcdonald's cheeseburgers are technically classified as a dessert because of the amount of sugar in the bun--well, yeah, it seems they muddled up the courses here too.
it took me about ten minutes to realise why i was eating it so quickly. if i'd been presented with a black forest gateau i would surely have eaten it at the same speed. i'd have eaten a cheeseburger a bit quicker, but only because i can fit it in my mouth in one go. everyone likes a pudding, especially when it has sausages in it. and i did like this. i just ... you know, couldn't possibly finish it. nor ever consider eating it again. nor, more importantly, ever eat out in germany with enthusiasm again.
and that's about it. i don't really have a point. for a change.
drat... worst? ah fuck.
*true story
and it was nice. easily the nicest meal i've ever had in germany*.
in the event, of course, the sausages were a non-event. juicy in the manner of a saveloy, haggis or fermenting corpse, they were also dry. but they did at least taste of pork--which is more than can be said of the notably less-special german bratwurst, which tastes of oily, bloody bath water. from the kind of bath a pig might be given right before it's horrifically decapitated.
the potatoes were boiled. yep, boiled potatoes. the beans were also boiled. yep, boiled beans. sort of like school dinner. but the sauce! who'd have thought it was all about the sauce. you know the urban myth about how mcdonald's cheeseburgers are technically classified as a dessert because of the amount of sugar in the bun--well, yeah, it seems they muddled up the courses here too.
it took me about ten minutes to realise why i was eating it so quickly. if i'd been presented with a black forest gateau i would surely have eaten it at the same speed. i'd have eaten a cheeseburger a bit quicker, but only because i can fit it in my mouth in one go. everyone likes a pudding, especially when it has sausages in it. and i did like this. i just ... you know, couldn't possibly finish it. nor ever consider eating it again. nor, more importantly, ever eat out in germany with enthusiasm again.
and that's about it. i don't really have a point. for a change.
drat... worst? ah fuck.
*true story
5 comments:
so the sausage is swimming in a sea of white fluid. you can probably guess what i'm thinking.
ha! okay, english sausages ARE better than german ones.. but rule number one, edwin: never go to a restaurant that announces "we are an authentic german restaurant" on its website. to be fair, you probably hadn't seen that. "authentic"! and rule number two: forget about bratwurst and go for the schnitzel. german food can actually be quite bad, but at least you can get good, fresh, grilled and non-battered fish here, something I have failed to find in england so far. which will remain a mystery to me forever (or until I can be arsed to do some research on it), as it's still an island, isn't it. (why didn't i know you're doing a food blog? that's amazing.)
i know, i know. we were taken there. and it wasn't half as bad as i made out. but i stand by my point about german food. and schnitzel really isn't gonna make a difference. i'm sorry this upsets you. actually, no, i'm not sorry. it delights me!
not in a bad way.
it doesn't upset me. my point was to differentiate "german food" (generally quite bad) from "eating out in germany" (generally quite good, unless you go somewhere "traditonally" german). i guess. to be honest, i'm mainly trying to avoid something else i have to do on this computer. still interested in the fish question though!
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